In an early chapter of the book I referenced in my earlier post , the author writes that kids who grew up in happy, intact marriages "brought a confidence that they had seen it work, that they had some very clear ideas about how to do it" (it being marriage).
And I had to disagree with that, at least in our experience. Gary's parents are very happily married, for almost 59 yrs now, and they are very good at being married. At the same time, tho, Gary had decided by age 30 (when we met) that he'd likely never marry, and had no confidence that he'd know how to be happily married. I remember him saying "Think about it -- everyone gets married thinking it will last forever, and half of them are wrong. What makes me any smarter?" So, even tho he'd grown up in a very happy marriage (really, his folks are so very good at being married) he had no clue how to actually make a happy marriage, and no confidence he could actually do it himself.
I, on the other hand, grew up in the marriage from hell, which became an even uglier divorce just as I was leaving home (really, you'd not have thought it possible to make things worse than they were, but my parents found a way). I married young and divorced fourteen months later, after the abuse expanded from only me to our baby. Statistically, there was no reason for me to expect I'd be good at marriage someday, and yet I had the greatest confidence that we'd marry and it would last, because there was no way in this world I was going to divorce ever again. Not even an option. And because I was sure I wanted Gary to be here forever.
First, I pointed out to him that not everyone gets married expecting forever -- I well remember standing at the courthouse for my first wedding, thinking "Please, please, one of us has to have the good sense to say NO!" Then we both said "I do" in our turn, and my very next thought was "What the hell have I done?" Thinking I couldn't be the only person who had that experience (I later learned that I certainly wasn't alone in that very bad choice to say yes, when every right voice in my head was screaming NO) I figured somehow I'd still convince Gary to marry me (and I did, but not that day).
It's a question Gary and I revisit often -- how is it that he grew up with such happily married parents, and yet he didn't feel like he had any idea how to be well-married? I've known his Mom and Dad (they are now my Mom and Dad) for over 25 years now, and I can see how they do it, but that's likely because after my early divorce, I made a point of figuring out how I was going to do this right, and because I'm a people watcher. We ask ourselves this question because we want to be sure we are helping our boys to understand how to be happily partnered someday. This is especially important, given how many of their friends come from divorced homes, even in the unschooling community where we spend our time. It's very possible they'll choose a partner who comes from a divorced home, maybe even a home where their grandparents were also divorced, given the statistics that say children of divorce are more likely to divorce later.
What answers do we have to this question so far?
Well, in recent years we've seen several marriages end, and each time, we find ourselves reassuring the boys that our marriage is good, that we'd never consider divorce. We answer their questions honestly, and share stories and examples from earlier times, both in our marriage and during our 8 years dating. After all, we have 15 years of stories that pre-date the boys' presence or memories, stories they'll only know if we tell them.
We talk about commitment, promises, how much work it is to live with someone else, even when you are over-the-moon crazy about him or her. About those days when you feel tired or grumpy, or when every sound makes you tired; when the kids are sick or the bills pile, or you get news that the one who works is being laid off. We talk about how you each keep the other's secrets, that you've each agreed to be the other's fall guy, that we try always to keep in mind to treat your partner the way you'd like to be treated; that it helps to remember how kind he was to me when I was sick, or tired, or pregnant. We tell them the whole point of being married is that someone does have your back, so it's important to have theirs.
We also have something more to share with our boys -- my past object lessons. I share from my childhood, talking about the things I saw that didn't work. I share from my first marriage, honestly telling them it takes two people to make a marriage, and that when it doesn't work, it's never just one person's fault. Because I truly do believe that, I'm required to be honest about my part in why things didn't work, about why I chose to leave that marriage and get a divorce. I can't simply villainize my ex, and say it was all my fault.
So, for those of you who are happily married, with kids -- how do you impart to your kids what makes a good marriage?
For those of you blessed enough to grow up in a happy marriage -- did watching your parents together show you what makes a happy marriage? Were there things they said or did that helped you understand marriage?
For those of you who, like me, came either from unhappy marriages or divorce -- what did you take away from those years that gives you hope for your current marriage? Or maybe you had a first (or even current) not-so-happy marriage, and you learned lots there.
What would or do you tell your kids about what it takes to make marriage good? Or do you feel it needs to be said at all; is it maybe enough to just live it as an example?
7 comments:
Great blog post. My husband grew up in a very happy marriage, and I think he was blindly optimistic as to how easy it was. He just assumed that that was how marriage worked, which made it a little more difficult for us. My parents divorced when I was six, from one of the most horrible relationships I've ever seen (which continued probably until I was fourteen?) My mom continued in bad relationships, one after another, and in MY heart, i knew that if I couldn't find the right person, I would never get married, much less have children. It's worked out well for us. :D
Overall, I think having HAPPY parents is the key, whether they are married or not.
My parents have a horribly dysfunctional marriage. They have been married for 38 years but for as long as I can remember my father has been physically and emotionally abusive to my mother. My husbands parents had a better relationship but it had its problems. Their relationship consisted of a lot of lies and bad communication. Neither of us had good marriage role models and yet we have been happily married for 12 years. I have thought about it a lot. I think the two things that account for our happy marriage are respect and communication. My husband has always respected me as an individual with my own personal likes and dislikes. I fell in love with him for the individual he was and I still love and respect that individual even as we change and age. We talk about everything. We both feel safe and respected enough to express our feelings. We know that we may not like what the other has to say but we listen and consider what they are saying before responding. So if my children asked me for marriage advice I would say to respect your partners individuality and uniqueness and to truly listen without defensiveness.
I grew up in the classic Norman Rockwell home. Stable parents, no fighting, middle class, very loving family. We had the religion pushed on us, but other than that and my Mum being overwhelmed with college and 6 kids, we had a rather idealistic home life.
I had total confidence in marriage lasting forever when I got married at the tender age of 20. Marriage was something you took seriously, nobody divorced in my family after all.....and they were all seemingly happy until my aunt divorced and shocked us all.
Problem is, when my marriage produced some seriously disconnected and emotionally messed up results, I had NO idea how to deal with it. You couldn't divorce right? So I learned to live with someone who really wasn't a family guy, as nice a person as he can be.
It took me 22 years to wake up and realize that I was a shell of myself as long as I stayed. That the struggle to fully embrace my dreams did not have to be a struggle and that we would both be happier apart. I think the happy, healthy marriage I witnessed growing up did a lot of good things for me, but I also had unrealistic expectations about the whole deal.
I am still married, though we have been physically separated for about a year now. I heard about this book at some point, and agonized (for about 5 years) over whether to stay or leave...would it scar the kids more if we split up or stayed together? Well, I was so depressed, I decided that a mom who couldn't function (but still together) was NOT BETTER than a mom who was happy and had the energy to model living well. My kids tell me they are happy NOT living with Dad, who is still stewing in his own personal dramas, for which he refuses to seek help. I can not help him anymore and can only hope that our healthy, happy living will inspire him to become a better father. Staying together "for the kids"?? I don't think so!
Does having happily married parents help? I would have to say, certainly it does. maybe it doesnt guarantee you will have your own happy marriage, but overall, wouldnt it help?
Does divorce ALWAYS make things worse? I guess not. But can we say that Divorce is not sad? that it does not harm children at all? That it is the same as happily married parents?
Divorce wrecked my family. My mother suffered maybe the worst, but me and my siblings also lost quite a lot.
My grandfather died when my father was an infant. As far as I know, his mother never had any other romantic relationships, so my father grew up without seeing marriage in his own home. His older brother (who was 26 years older than my dad, and his only sibling) was married and divorced.
On my mothers side, Her father married and divorced at least 3 times. Of her fathers 3 children, 1 has been married for over 20 years and the other two had multiple divorces. My grandmother was divorced 8 times. (yes, 8) Of her 6 children, 3 were divorced once and not remarried. 3 had multiple divorces. Both my grandparents were alcoholics, and addiction has taken its toll on their children and grandchildren.
My parents married at 23, after a few months of dating. I was born a year later. They were in counseling off and on for years, and separated when i was 10, and then again when I was 13 for good. My brother was 11 and my sister was 5.
Today, I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. My brother has never been married and has no kids. My sister has two children by two fathers, neither of which are around. She has one divorce. She is 30.
I was pretty self destructive before I met my husband. I related to some of the people in the book with anger and self esteem issues. I had a pretty strong hatred for my parents until I was married. I thought they were selfish hypocritical jerks. At some point I decided to let go and move on, but if I think too much about my childhood, I cry. It was sad.
Sure part of it was divorce related, but also your basic mainstream treatment of children played a part. My decision to homeschool and unschool my children mostly stemmed from my imperative to have strong loving and respectful relationships with my children and husband, so my kids would NEVER feel how I felt as a kid about themselves or about their parents.
I like how you mentioned you kind of make your marriage transparent to your kids-and discuss the processes. I will do more of that as they get older and observe more, etc. It was something never discussed with me. I got a lot of extremely effed up messages (directly and indirectly) about what men would want of me, and what I was worth.
Shortly before I met my husband, I was really going downhill, and had a couple of incidences that scared me straight, pretty much. I decided to turn my life around and stop acting crazy and stop accepting other peoples crazy. A couple of months later, I met my husband. He was 10 years older than me, but never married, no kids. His parents have never been divorced (but its not happy). He had a lot of siblings who were all local. We had similar upbringings.
But the big thing was, he treated me nicely. I can honestly say I knew within a month or two that we would get married someday. I was only 24 but I knew he was the real deal. Lucky for me :) Its not always easy, but I do a lot of mental work, as well as walking the walk. I also do a lot of reading and am on a yahoo group for unschooling partnerships. I have and need support. Most of my friends are married, but there are more and more divorces occurring, even in the homeschool/unschool bubble Im in.
I think the book could help people who are thinking divorce to have more insight into their kids feelings, even if they do get divorced, help them deal with it better. and it helped me process some of my own stuff.
I agree that divorce is sad, Nancy. Sometimes, tho, it's less sad than continuing as things are.
Ideally, the couple would find a way to be genuinely happy together; they'd recapture that love that brought them together. Too often, tho, people don't live ideal lives. Instead, we need to find our best possible plan and go with that.
Ren, I appreciate your story. I think the not knowing how to respond when your marriage wasn't good is sort of what frightened Gary, too. His parents are very happy, but he never knew their secret, and he didn't see himself having that mastery.
Most of my own confidence was stubborn determination to prove everyone in my family of origin wrong. They were all quick to tell me that life is unfair, people are mean and nothing good is really good, there's always some ugly lie being hidden. (they're not really very happy people) And they were quick to tell me I was no better than they are at life, that I'd fail too.
Of course, in my first marriage, bravado and stubbornness weren't enough.
I do think the book could help folks who are considering divorce and maybe those who are already divorced and wondering what's up with their kid. It certainly could help those who come from happy homes and have no clue what's going on with the kids whose parents are divorced/ing.
I'm looking for a copy to have for our parenting/unschooling box o' books. In our local tribe, we've had four partnerships break up in less than 3 yrs, and another family where the divorce happened some 5 yrs ago. All but one continue to unschool, and that child went back to school before his parents separated.
I don't belong to any online partnership support groups -- the ones for unschoolers don't really work for me, tho I'm glad they do for others. I'm fortunate to not feel any need for it now, but I did enjoy that group a few years ago when Gary was on the road and gone a lot. Sadly, the energy in that group changed. Happily, tho, Gary found work at home and I have all the support I need.
about the unschoolingpartnership list, its not for fixing bad marriages, its more about supporting marriage, making it better, and working on your own self. its not hugely active, but if you post you will get an answer.
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