looking for a partner

In Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, the author writes "I was surprised to discover that they [children of divorce] often go in search of partners raised in stable, intact families." She also writes about how many children of divorce come up with a shopping list of sorts for a partner.  

In reading this, I see I did exactly that, though not the first time.  When I married the first time, I had only one item on my list. It wasn't even a good item, like honest, or hard-working.  I figured all I wanted was someone who wasn't smart enough, cunning enough, for head games. I'd had enough head games to last me several lifetimes.  Sure, I knew people were supposed to want to marry someone who was honest, loving, kind, trustworthy, hard-working, patient; but I never expected someone like that really existed, that men like that could be found anywhere.  Besides, if such a man existed he wouldn't want me, and he'd be much too boring.  

After my divorce, I made a list of qualities I wanted in a partner -- at least 4 yrs older than I was, never married, no kids, a nice extended family.  I didn't really consider whether or not my intended's parents should still be married, but as it happens that's been a real blessing to me.  


When Gary and I began dating, I quickly realized that I needed very much to become more the kind of person I wanted to be with; to be more trusting, more honest, to learn those skills I'd never learned growing up. It wasn't fair for me to ask someone to be all those things, unless I was really able to be honest, sane and patient.  While I've grown a lot, in some regards I'm still a work in progress.

I also found that being in a relationship and being happy required more awareness, more honesty with myself, more introspection than I'd expected.  I was constantly called to review my own part in a disagreement, to ask myself what I really wanted. Did I want to be right, or did I want to see a new side of things, to revisit my own expectations and maybe even change them? 


I wonder if having a list of qualifications for a partner, an actual checklist, is something other people do.  Or is the process better integrated for people who grew up in a happy marriage? Do those fortunate people just intuitively know when it's right?  Clearly, Gary didn't have such a rigid list or I'd never have made the cut, not in 1986 anyway. 


Is that awareness of who we need to be, not just who we want to be with, something our kids will just pick up by our example, or do we need to talk about it with them?  Maybe it depends on the kid.