Step parents

I've been pondering a lot lately on the idea of family in all its forms. Good or bad marriages, good or bad divorces, good remarriages -- all seem implicated in some way in folks' opinion of what best fosters unschooling and happy, well-adjusted children.

Earlier today, on Facebook, there was a post topic entitled *Tell Me About Your Fabulous Kids* which included the following question about Step-parenting:

Are any of your kids adopted/step/foster kids? Do you find it makes a difference?

I read this reply:

No. I had step parents. I think it makes a difference...for the worse for me, and others I know. Haven't seen a situation where it made a difference for the better yet. **

.... and want to share my story of a situation where a step parent did and does make a difference for the better.

Our oldest son, Will, was born during my first marriage, so he's my biological child and Gary's step-child. It's been so long (14 yrs) since Gary adopted Will, that we don't think in terms of step-child anymore.

My family lives a situation where having a step-parent has, and does, make a difference for the better. My ex has never had contact with my son. He couldn't be bothered to even send b'day cards, tho he always knew where we lived. Never called. Never visited. Only sent two child support checks in 9 years. He isn't Will's Dad -- Gary is.

Gary's presence in Will's life made it possible for him to leave school at 16 to homeschool, allows our family to unschool. It makes it possible for Will to afford college (Gary's Dad set up an education fund for the boys). Because I married Gary and Will has a stepfather, he also has very loving, generous grandparents who love him. He's closer to Gary's parents, than he is to my parents.

There is no way that staying my first marriage would have been good for Will, or me. He'd have been abused and frightened and manipulated by people with questionable motives. We both would have been.

There is also no way that remaining single and never remarrying -- avoiding the dreaded step-parent -- would have been a better situation for Will. It would have meant remaining the financially struggling only child of a single Mom, stuck in school, no money for college, no opportunity to have me at home in his teen years. It would have meant no Dad to love him, guide him, or care for his mom (me).

I cannot express the joy and wonder Will would have missed by never having younger siblings, or a huge loving extended family (dh's family). Just the opportunity to have a Dad in itself would have been denied my sweet boy!

I don't know, can't know, if Gary loves Will with the same depth he has for our two younger sons, his biological children. I do know that Gary loves Will more than Will's bio-dad (my ex-husband) ever did. I do know that Gary provides a better life for Will -- who's back home after losing his job last Dec, while going to college (a very generous gift from *step* grandparents) -- than I ever could have alone.

There are times when a step-parent does make a difference for the better. And I'm ever so grateful for that.