Simplicity Parenting -- Updated

After I wrote this blog post last week, a friend who hadn't read the Facebook discussion (she's not online) brought me a copy of the Time magazine with the article about Over-Parenting. I told her some of what had been discussed on Facebook about the article, and that I was bothered to see unschoolers defending 'benign neglect' as being part of unschooling.

My friend made a good point that for the target audience of the Time article -- mainstream parents who tend to over-schedule their kids and overwhelm them with expectations of what they *must do* to be a success in life -- neglecting their kids likely would be an improvement over the madness of having 'helicopter' parents. I agree that it's counter-productive to schedule and control every moment, or even most moments, of a child's life, but I simply don't like the word neglect, even benign.

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In the past couple of weeks, I've seen unschoolers cite news reports of what's being called a new movement in parenting -- Simplicity Parenting or Slow Parenting. Some are hailing it as a good move, something that may bring families closer to unschooling or peaceful parenting. I've read several links and I'm not convinced it's a good move in and of itself.

Yes, it's a move away from over-scheduled, over-stressed kids who appear to exist simply as vicarious vessels for their parents, but it looks a lot like just the other end of the pendulum swing.

The latest article, at time.com The Backlash Against Overparenting is the one I read this morning. A couple of folks have posted links on their Facebook walls saying *I love this!*

I followed the link to read it, and I'm not loving it. Yes, the stories shared show some kids are being allowed to step off the achievement junkie train, but at the same time parents are still being encouraged to do things that diminish kids as people.

There were lots of parts in that article I didn't love. This part, for example, is just so disrespectful of children:

*Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, teaches seminars on how to peel back the layers of cultural pressure that weigh down families. He and his coaches will even go into your home, weed out your kids' stuff, sort out their schedule, turn off the screens and help your family find space you didn't know you had, like a master closet re-organizer for the soul.*

How many kids are going to be happy, or feel loved and respected when Mom/Dad bring in a stranger (or do it themselves) to *weed out the kids stuff*? Would the same parents want their kids to take it upon themselves to weed out Mom's closet, or get rid of Dad's computer? I doubt it.

It may be a positive move away from over-scheduling and over-controlling kids, but it doesn't appear to be any more respectful of kids as people. Looks to me like the other end of the pendulum swing from over-parenting.

It was pointed out to me that integral to Simplicity Parenting is letting go of fear as parents. That's a good thing. Every day, we're told what we should fear for our children -- whether your child will fall behind, or miss some essential experience, or never get into the *right* college, that they'll never be happy or successful, that danger lurks around every corner. The media in general seem to exist for the express purpose of elevating our fear level.

I don't know what Slow Parenting is all about (tho it makes me chuckle and I instantly thought of a TV show title I saw last week, "Pregnancy for Dummies". Maybe slow parents are what pregnant dummies become?).

Step parents

I've been pondering a lot lately on the idea of family in all its forms. Good or bad marriages, good or bad divorces, good remarriages -- all seem implicated in some way in folks' opinion of what best fosters unschooling and happy, well-adjusted children.

Earlier today, on Facebook, there was a post topic entitled *Tell Me About Your Fabulous Kids* which included the following question about Step-parenting:

Are any of your kids adopted/step/foster kids? Do you find it makes a difference?

I read this reply:

No. I had step parents. I think it makes a difference...for the worse for me, and others I know. Haven't seen a situation where it made a difference for the better yet. **

.... and want to share my story of a situation where a step parent did and does make a difference for the better.

Our oldest son, Will, was born during my first marriage, so he's my biological child and Gary's step-child. It's been so long (14 yrs) since Gary adopted Will, that we don't think in terms of step-child anymore.

My family lives a situation where having a step-parent has, and does, make a difference for the better. My ex has never had contact with my son. He couldn't be bothered to even send b'day cards, tho he always knew where we lived. Never called. Never visited. Only sent two child support checks in 9 years. He isn't Will's Dad -- Gary is.

Gary's presence in Will's life made it possible for him to leave school at 16 to homeschool, allows our family to unschool. It makes it possible for Will to afford college (Gary's Dad set up an education fund for the boys). Because I married Gary and Will has a stepfather, he also has very loving, generous grandparents who love him. He's closer to Gary's parents, than he is to my parents.

There is no way that staying my first marriage would have been good for Will, or me. He'd have been abused and frightened and manipulated by people with questionable motives. We both would have been.

There is also no way that remaining single and never remarrying -- avoiding the dreaded step-parent -- would have been a better situation for Will. It would have meant remaining the financially struggling only child of a single Mom, stuck in school, no money for college, no opportunity to have me at home in his teen years. It would have meant no Dad to love him, guide him, or care for his mom (me).

I cannot express the joy and wonder Will would have missed by never having younger siblings, or a huge loving extended family (dh's family). Just the opportunity to have a Dad in itself would have been denied my sweet boy!

I don't know, can't know, if Gary loves Will with the same depth he has for our two younger sons, his biological children. I do know that Gary loves Will more than Will's bio-dad (my ex-husband) ever did. I do know that Gary provides a better life for Will -- who's back home after losing his job last Dec, while going to college (a very generous gift from *step* grandparents) -- than I ever could have alone.

There are times when a step-parent does make a difference for the better. And I'm ever so grateful for that.