On Shaming Our Kids

Yesterday, a meme came across my facebook feed.  I won't share it here, because I don't want so participate in the shaming it imparted. It was yet another instance of a parent punishing a child by making them hold up a sign on which was written (presumably in the child's own hand) the child's offenses and that the child was being forced to sell an ipod so the proceeds could be donated to a charity for the prevention of bullying.

The friend who posted the meme thought it was fitting punishment.  Usually, I just hide those postings in my feed; recently I've begun hiding the person who posted them from my feed.  This friend, tho, is special. She's my favorite cousin.  She's much younger, only a few months older than my firstborn. She doesn't have any children of her own, and she grew up in a home where shaming and punishment were the preferred parenting method.  I know some of her stories; I felt compelled to say something.  Something positive and helpful, and to speak out against the damage I know shame does, especially to children.

I commented that I don't believe punishment is the best way to parent. I'm pretty sure this was no surprise to my cousin; she knows I'm not the kind of mother we had (our moms are sisters). 

If a parent feels some sort of penalty is really needed -- and really I just can't justify it -- then please, not shaming.  It may feel very gratifying -- in the moment, and in light of our culture's current rush to punish and shame seemingly for every misstep -- to be able to tell people you made your child sell their important-to-them item and give the proceeds to the charity.  It may even help to alleviate your own embarrassment and shame about your child's choices and actions. But will it really stop a child from bullying? Probably not. It will stop them from getting caught. It will push their behavior underground, or maybe delay it until they become an adult and can bully others without being punished by their parents. Until someday they are parents, and the handiest tool in their parenting toolbox is to shame your dear, sweet grandchild.

As expected (really, if no one replies, I'd have to wonder if my words made a difference) I was asked what I would do if my child bullied others, given my opinions on punishing children.  I replied that shaming people -- even people who have bullied others -- is bullying. It's no better than hitting your child as punishment for hitting other children. I'd have to ask my child and myself why my child did what he did. Why is he so unhappy with himself that being mean to others was even a choice he'd make. I'd ask my child what he was thinking, why he said what he did, how he thinks the other person feels. We'd talk about ways to make this better, to genuinely apologize to the people he'd hurt, and how to move forward.  How to be the loving person I know he wants to be; the loving person we all really want to be.
 
But before children become teenagers so unhappy they hurt others as a way to feel more secure about themselves, or as a way of lashing out and spreading their own pain around, there are better ways than shame and punishment.  Instead, we can use kindness. We can be truly present, gently helping our children navigate the world of friends and peers in kind ways, paying attention to the smaller details of smaller people learning to find their way in a big world. 

As parents, we've made it a conscious way of life to be kind -- to our children, to each other, to people our children see us interact with; to be always present and helping our children find positive ways to meet their needs.  Shaming isn't kind.
I admit it wasn't easy finding better ways to respond to my children.  I  grew up in home where shame, punishment, demands for obedience, were the order of the day.  We were publicly shamed, hit, grounded, had our personal belonging taken away from, even destroyed before our eyes.  All in the name of making us better people.  While I hope I'm a better person, a better mother, wife, and friend, I know that's not the result of the treatment I received as a child.  I'm the person I am despite the shame, punishment, and mistreatment I survived.

When I became a Mom, I was 22, badly married, and very unhappy. I was overwhelmed and didn't have any good tools to raise a child.  I had been given a toolbox filled with hammers made of anger, embarassment, and control -- desperate tools not fit for any task as awesome as raising people.  I made some missteps, and wasn't always as kind as I aspired to be, as kind as I hope I've become in my more recent years as a Mom.

I found my way because what I knew what had been done to me wasn't right. Society, tho, is full of voices telling me those tools that felt wrong were essential; that it's necessary to respond strongly to our children, and to ignore their feelings (and often our own) telling us that we're being unkind. That means I'm called to be a voice calling for kindness, a voice exposing the damage shame and punishment do to our children, and to society as a whole.

In my experience (I've been at this Mom gig for 29 years now) children do what they see others do. A child who bullies and is mean to others has been on the receiving end of meanness and maybe abuse. At a minimum, he has parents who turn a blind eye to younger missteps with friends and playmates, a parent who for whatever reason doesn't give helpful and kind advice, or maybe who gives no help at all, when the child is young and still learning the most basic social behaviors.  Often, parents don't know how else to respond to their child; they have a parenting toolbox full of hammers and shame; they feel compelled to come up with a visible quick solution so they feel less embarrassed in front of the other parents.
 

Parents who shame or punish children have children who have been on the receiving end of shame and humiliation. The children have seen firsthand that shaming or embarrassing or excluding someone has an effect - it freezes them out, shuts them up, makes them go away, and stop seeking your attention. They've seen it's a very effective tool for exerting one's power and perceived superiority over people. Or they've been mocked, insulted, denigrated and learned that it's okay to do the same to other people. Shaming and humiliating people who bully others only perpetuates the meanness. It's the authority figures becoming bullies. 

We can do better. We have to do better -- our children are counting on us.