or just the only way of living with my family that's true to who I am?
Lately, I have find myself answering questions people seem to think unique to unschooling as a lifestyle (radical unschooling -- tho that's a designation I seldom use). One friend said, "for people who are all about not having rules, there sure are a lot of rules about what an unschooler is." Another has asked questions that feel to me like, he's sure I really am a reasonable person, and he must have just misunderstood me -- surely we must fundamentally agree, if only he were asking the right questions in the right way.
The more often these conversations come up, the more difficult it is for me to put into words how I feel about unschooling and why I live as I do. No answer I've yet been able to come up with is complete and I'm just not articulate enough -- or maybe not comfortable enough with the line of questioning to be articulate - to get the words in my head and heart out in ways that others won't misunderstand and, as a result attack, as illogical. Or maybe each of us -- myself included -- is so sure we're right (and maybe we are for our own, individual truth) that no one can truly see another's perspective. What I do know is that it leaves me feeling misunderstood, and the conversations feel circular and pointless. I suspect this is one of those areas in which Gary's wisdom surpasses mine with his simple, "everyone's mileage will vary".
I don't need any of the people I've talked with lately to agree with me or understand me. They seem intent on trying to, tho. It's beginning to feel very much like when I was a child and the adults regularly told me variants of "you know that's not really how you feel". Adults who were wrong, and really wanted me to feel something I didn't feel. It feels like the times when people I've disagreed with worked very diligently to get me to trip over my own arguments and show that they really were right about me, and how misguided I was. All in all, not good feelings.
This morning, while reviewing yesterday (which was an angst-filled, somewhat sad and difficult day for me) I realized part of the problem. Here's what hit me just moments ago -- it's not about the unschooilng! I know I've said that before, but this time it spoke to me in a different way.
With all these conversations, I've let it become about whether or not my choices as a parent, as a partner, as a person, are part and parcel of being an unschooler. I've let others frame the conversation as a validation (or not) of unschooling, as if the ONLY reason I do things the way I do is because I'm an unschooler. That I live this way because the *rules of unschooling* require it of me. Further, it seems to have somehow become about whether or not choosing to unschool, makes one a superior parent, partner or person. In my experience, claims of superiority in any situation are entirely subjective.
The way I live, the path I choose each moment, is the only one I can really attest to. My path doesn't define unschooling for me, nor should it for anyone else. As far as I'm concerned, it's not about unschooilng; it's about living. It is about living the only way I know how, the only way that brings me any measure of peace. In large part, it's how I lived long before I found unschooling. It is the only way I know to share love and to delight in being loved. My choice to follow my child's lead, to honor his feelings, to respect his choices, to embrace and celebrate who he is (all three of my children) is something I have always tried to, always been called back to, even when the other voices around me told me how mistaken I was. I choose to live the way I do because it is simply the only way I know to love, making it the only way I know to live. My choices about how to live those I love are the very definition of love in my life. To explain it only in the context of unschooling philosophy ignores that the way I parent, partner and live is simply who I am, making it much more than just whether or not our children go to school.
And as such, I'm not really comfortable defending and explaining myself to others just now, certainly not if it's only going to be a debate about what is wrong or right about unschooilng.
So here is my answer to friends who've recently asked and debated with me about what is or isn't unschooling. It's not that we live this way because we unschool; we unschool because it fits the way we live. It's simply the only way I know how to live with the people I love.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
just how radical?
The question came up recently - just how radical does one need to be to identify as an unschooler. Well, we're pretty radical here at our house.
I was hanging out with three friends who belong to our local unschoolers' group, two of whom do not identify as radical unschoolers (the third friend sat quietly, listening to our conversation). The first friend, who is really an eclectic homeschooler not an unschooler, told of his experiences at an unschooling conference last Fall, sharing that his advice about organized sports upset some of the more radical unschoolers at the conference.
As we talked, the second friend, who unschools as an academic choice, but not a lifestyle (she feels as a single parent she really can't let go of bedtimes, etc) asked how radical those parents from the conference are. The reply was, "more radical than Sylvia." At which point both I and the second friend (who has known me for several years now) explained that I'm pretty radical, and in answer to the other friend's question, yes, my kids stay up as late as they want. They also choose what they eat and when, the clothes they wear, their friends, their schedule, their activities (or lack thereof), whether or not to play a sport, what tv shows they watch, and so on. Apparently, before that clarification the friend in question thought I was a reasonably traditional parent. I thought he knew me better than that!
Both of these friends expressed that radical unschoolers come off like we're telling parents -- newcomers to unschoolers, those curious, and those who don't choose such a radical lifestyle -- that there's only one right way to unschool or even parent. I replied that really, I think most of us feel our way -- whatever it is -- is the most right way. That's the mark of a true believer.
Does that mean it's impossible to mix unschooling and a more mainstream lifestyle? Probably not. What it does mean is that when you try to do anything less than radical unschooling -- holding on to arbitrary rules, or teaching *just English & Math* or requiring bedtimes, limiting choices your children make because you (the parent) *have to* get time alone, sleep, or feel that children don't know what they *really want* or what's *good for them* -- and it doesn't work out as well as you'd hoped, don't blame it on the unschooling. Just maybe, it's the result of limiting, controlling, and generally not trusting your children, or because your choices -- usually made to fit within your comfort level, not your child's -- have upfront eliminated the many possibilities for harmonious life.
I was hanging out with three friends who belong to our local unschoolers' group, two of whom do not identify as radical unschoolers (the third friend sat quietly, listening to our conversation). The first friend, who is really an eclectic homeschooler not an unschooler, told of his experiences at an unschooling conference last Fall, sharing that his advice about organized sports upset some of the more radical unschoolers at the conference.
As we talked, the second friend, who unschools as an academic choice, but not a lifestyle (she feels as a single parent she really can't let go of bedtimes, etc) asked how radical those parents from the conference are. The reply was, "more radical than Sylvia." At which point both I and the second friend (who has known me for several years now) explained that I'm pretty radical, and in answer to the other friend's question, yes, my kids stay up as late as they want. They also choose what they eat and when, the clothes they wear, their friends, their schedule, their activities (or lack thereof), whether or not to play a sport, what tv shows they watch, and so on. Apparently, before that clarification the friend in question thought I was a reasonably traditional parent. I thought he knew me better than that!
Both of these friends expressed that radical unschoolers come off like we're telling parents -- newcomers to unschoolers, those curious, and those who don't choose such a radical lifestyle -- that there's only one right way to unschool or even parent. I replied that really, I think most of us feel our way -- whatever it is -- is the most right way. That's the mark of a true believer.
Does that mean it's impossible to mix unschooling and a more mainstream lifestyle? Probably not. What it does mean is that when you try to do anything less than radical unschooling -- holding on to arbitrary rules, or teaching *just English & Math* or requiring bedtimes, limiting choices your children make because you (the parent) *have to* get time alone, sleep, or feel that children don't know what they *really want* or what's *good for them* -- and it doesn't work out as well as you'd hoped, don't blame it on the unschooling. Just maybe, it's the result of limiting, controlling, and generally not trusting your children, or because your choices -- usually made to fit within your comfort level, not your child's -- have upfront eliminated the many possibilities for harmonious life.
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