The nature of hope

I've been told both hope and trust are good things. I struggle with both, for reasons many and varied. Trust is too big to tackle in one blog post (or maybe in my entire lifetime) but hope is one Gary and I talked thru tonight. I know he doesn't really understand my perspective, but he does understand it's how I feel, which has helped him to reconcile some things about our current situation.

In my own life experience, tho, hope is a liar and a thief. Hope lets me believe that things might be better someday, if I just wait long enough. Which allows me to abandon efforts to make now better because, soon enough, it'll get better. If we can just survive -- not enjoy -- until the hope pans out, then we'll be okay. It's the abandoning now that causes problems for me, because in my sphere of existence, hope is like heroin. I can ignore all the yuck of today -- yuck I could change if I tried -- until the better of my hopes comes to be. And on those occasions when hope doesn't pan out, I'm devastated. I just can't do hope.

This past week, Gary heard about the potential for a local job/route, with the same company that employs him now. I tried not to let myself get too hopeful, not to be too attached to this job as the potential deliverance from this awful time. I hadn't realized how much I'd let myself hope until today, when he found out that job isn't really available after all. The company decided to keep on the driver they were considering letting go. And we're right back to the same reality, minus hope. He still has this job where he's gone 6 days and 4 nights a week.

Really, nothing has changed, except that I allowed myself a week-long trip on hope, and stopped trying to make things better in now-land. And giving up the hope of that job, means I'm stuck back on now-land, where things aren't as I'd like them to be.

The good part, for me, of abandoning hope is that once I refuse the drug hope is for me, I can get about the business of finding the best there is to have in now-land. Sometimes, it's simply an exercise in not letting 'em win -- this is the only time I'll live this day, and dammit, I'm going to enjoy if only to show them I can be happy. At least I used to work that way, but somewhere along the way I've lost touch with the girl who could be happy even when life sucked. In her place is disconsolate madwoman, and she's no fun to live with!

I'm starting to see, tho, that disconsolate madwoman is the outgrowth of doing hope. Since I can't embrace now and hope at the same time, and now is all I have, I'm swearing off hope.

Really, I feel better already. Gary doesn't understand it, but he's happy to say goodbye to disconsolate madwoman.

Is happiness possible?

A friend had a quotation on her blog "There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do." (Freya Stark) So, does this mean that once I agree to something I don't believe in, there's no way I can be happy? Really? What about if what I agreed to is consistent with another belief I hold? Is it possible to hold conflicting beliefs, or is that just crazy-making?

I believe it's absolutely essential for kids to have both parents (unless one is dead, of course) home at some point during the 24 hours that make up each day. Simply put, parents should sleep at home every night. I believe that when one chooses not to have both parents accessible to the kids, they're failing their kids. I really do believe this. Kids do not need absent parents.

I also believe Gary has a right to be happy in his work, to be free to try new things as long as there's enough income. So, 18 months ago, when Gary told me he'd like to try an over the road driving job, that it would increase his potential for better-paying jobs, and I could see it was really something he needed to try. I felt there was no way to say no to him, and be true to my belief that I want him to be happy.

So, I said yes. Knowing how much we'd miss him (tho we've missed him more than I could have anticipated). Knowing how much hard it would be for me (tho, again, it's been harder than I anticipated). Even tho I suspected the job market was soon going to tank, I hoped against hope he'd be able to try this, and get out in time to still find a job at home.

And here we are today, with me living a life that if anyone were living it, I'd say their unhappiness is just what they had coming. I mean, if you make a choice you know is in opposition to what you fervently believe, you can't expect happiness to follow.

Have I really given up any possibility of happiness by agreeing to something that opposes one belief, while supporting another? Man, I hope not. Which brings me to my next post......