from a recent discussion on divorce

I posted a reply over at RU sharing some of my thoughts on divorce and its effects on kids.

After a bit of clean up and some cutting, here's what I have to say:

I used to disagree with the idea that divorce should be avoided whenever possible. I felt then that if one person in the couple was deeply unhappy and wanted out, their right to happiness might mean divorce was the right, or maybe least-bad, answer. I grew up in a home with two parents who should have never married. It wasn't entirely hellish, but close enough that I used to wish my parents would divorce. They finally did when I was 18, just after I left home, and it was beyond hellish for my younger brother and sister who wanted nothing more than to survive long enough to leave home (as I had).

I was divorced once, tho I'm married now. I left an abusive marriage when I saw my then-husband hit our infant son. I used to argue that there were good reasons for divorce aside from abuse. I could even say that kids can turn out okay in divorces -- my oldest son Will and many other kids have turned out okay. But now that I look at Will -- he's 23, and I remarried when he was 10 -- I see the damage a divorce did. Even a good, necessary divorce. The man he is today is in many ways defined by the years he spent as the child of a single mom. His perspective on the world is shaped by that. And he didn't grow up with parents fighting over him (we had only one contact with my ex after we left) or grandparents criticizing Mom.

In recent years I've watched three marriages end to divorce, in unschooling families, and heard news of at least one other, just in my own city which has changed my perspective somewhat. I've also factored in the damage I see in my younger siblings, and the long-term effects on Will, and now, absent abuse (adult or child), I would encourage everyone else to stay married and find a way to work it out. Not to stay and suffer, but to really commit to re-making their marriage into something that protects and blesses their entire family.

This isn't a Christian perspective. Neither is it a non-feminist opinion. I consider it a more pragmatic one. Even in a 'good' divorce, kids have to leave their childhood home on a rotating basis, negotiate new household expectations, spend holidays with only one parent, meet new partners.

In the past few years, I've really come to appreciate the example my in-laws give us, and Gary as a child, about what really is involved in a good marriage. They weren't as good at putting it into words as I might have liked, the but the way they live their marriage is a wonderful example. I can see where I missed huge and very essential lessons in marriage as a result of the fact that neither of my parents were willing to do what it takes to make marriage work.

I hope we can be an equally good example for our kids when they choose partners and get married.