This Moment

On a yahoo unschoolers' group, there's currently a discussion about choosing to fully engage in each moment. At least, that's what I'm getting from it. It dovetails with other thoughts playing out in my life right now.

This past year has been a difficult one for me. Gary being gone 3 (or more) days at a time, week after week for 10 months, has provided ample opportunities for personal growth. That's a good thing, but it didn't always feel good in each moment. There were moments when staying right here felt almost impossible. Gradually, the moments, hours and days have gotten better. I owe much of that the amazing community of friends in my life. People both here in my daily life, and those I only see online, who gave me space, emotional support, and sometimes a kick in the pants (Diana was even kind enough to deliver her kick with a hug).

All this growth has brought me to a place I'd been avoiding most of my life -- being with myself. I've stayed busy, very busy, mostly because I've never been comfortable just being alone with myself. That would require me to be still for a few moments, and I've never been good at that. It would mean I had to acknowledge my own needs - not distractions or indulgences (I'm good that seeing those) -- but my real needs. I'd have to take care of me, honor myself and love myself. Yeah, really not good at that, because first I need to claim my worth. So, what do I do instead? I stay busy, I overbook myself, I avoid being home.

In the midst of this very busy season, I've had such unbelievable love and support from my children, and from Gary, of course. Will comes over and hangs out with us, giving me another adult in the house. Andy asks me when I'm going to make time to take a bath and relax. Dan provides quiet moments and the sweetest hugs. Sometime in this past year, I've met myself. And I see I need more -- from me. I need to BE in each moment - unhurried. I need order and peace and joy. Most of all I need to stop once in a while.

My first step in this was to give up multi-tasking. A big order, since I've multi-tasked virtually my entire life. Certainly for my entire life, I've been a champion multi-tasker. Gary has often told the boys, "Mom can only do 12 things at once and she's at that now, so give her a break." We used to joke about it. Really, tho, I've always envied people who can sit and do nothing for any length of time. Even when I look like I'm doing nothing, I'm mentally filing thru the bills or our schedule, finding several things to worry about doing later! Bad habits and hard to break.

No more, tho. I'm taking time to choose each moment, to either stop what I was doing and be fully present to do the next thing, or to ask for a moment to wrap things up so I can do the next thing. More changes are coming, I know. For today, tho - this moment - it's enough to claim my right to do one thing at a time, to rest once in a while, to have a clean, non-cluttered place in my head and in my soul, and yes in my house -- to just BE.