Earlier today, on facebook, a friend shared a link to a blog post about the damage done when parents post shaming photos of their children. It was a great blog post, and after reading it, I shared the link. A bit later, when reading the comments where a friend shared the same link, I found that a friend had been "made
aware that apparently she's all for *privately* humiliating and shaming
and punishing her children. And she attributes this to the reason she
has a great relationship with them today."
That prompted me to read her site. I don't find anything that specifically suggests privately shaming kids, tho I do see things that, to me, feel consistent with the sort of control of kids that makes me uncomfortable. As a result, I removed the link on my facebook wall.
When parents use private humiliation, a practice often so accepted and subtle that it seems everyone promotes its use, kids end up hurt both today and in the long-term. Private humiliation, whether as subtle as "I'm disappointed in you" or as obvious as telling your child s/he is stupid and careless, is shaming. In my experience, it's some serious crazy-making. Sure, you'll hear, from both experienced parents and parenting experts, that such guidance (control, abuse) is necessary for helping children to be come "good people", that keeping those comments private actually protects your relationship with your child. We've all heard the "praise in public, reprimand/criticize/scold in private" maxim. Sure, we know that publicly criticizing people -- children or adults -- is a bad idea. It creates divides, makes everyone look bad, and almost never leads to actual progress. Rather it just motivates people to not get caught being wrong, to become sneaker in how they get by, so as not to be publicly humiliated. It's not an effective method for helping a child learn expected behavior, especially when the standard for that behavior is an appearance of perfection set to make parents look good by having wonderfully packaged children.
Here's my experience with "private humiliation".
Parent who engage in private humiliation -- what an awful phrase those two words makes! -- create damaged kids.
When a parent praises their child in front of others, often using that
praise for self-aggrandizement as a parent, then privately insults,
shames, criticizes, minimizes, or otherwise shuts down their child's
feelings, it creates a schism for the child. The child -- and all the
children in that family -- are required to live two competing 'truths';
to be shame-filled privately, and also graciously accept public praise,
all to create the the public image that makes it look like everything is
good and right. Often, the parents inflate a child's accomplishments or ability for the purpose of making it appear the parents are doing a better-than-average job with the child. This is the self-aggrandizement part of it.
Where does that leave the child, tho? The child knows that she isn't really as accomplished as the parent just told people she is. She knows that if she's asked to demonstrate the skill the parent just publicized, she'll fail to do as well as expected. She wonders if there's any way to point out that her parent just puffed up her credentials, if there's any gracious way to say "no, I'm not really that good." It would be seen as some sort of false modesty, at best, which becomes more awkward.
Why do parents feel a need to brag about how accomplished a child is? Does the parent want credit for the child's work, or maybe just innate talent? And how does that square up with the child's knowledge that her parent really feels she's not good enough at any number of other things? When all anyone hears publicly is praise -- which differs from genuine celebration of another's talents or accomplishments -- and privately hears criticism and is told she's just not trying hard enough, that she's "too smart to make that mistake".
It's enough to make a child question their
very sense of what's true -- are they worthy of shame and so unlovable that
lies must be presented?
How far do we go to keep those lies secret, to
hide our private shame? When and how is it okay to share something that, for decades, felt like a personal failing, but we later find out is a very normal experience? What's private and what's secret, and how do we ever learn to take ourselves less seriously, that we don't need to be perfect to be accepted?
How do we ever share our truth without fearing
others will find us completely unworthy?
How do we become better
parents in our own turn?
Do we forgive our parents and move
forward? Is it even fair to ask ourselves to forgive the people who
treated this way? Is it possible to see the injured children our parents were,
and acknowledge that they learned the shame tactics from damaged people who shamed
them?
Or is it an impossible situation to heal? Is everyone better
served by cutting ties and starting anew?
I don't have the answers to those questions. I'm still finding my own way out from a childhood of public over-praise and private shaming, of being exposed and minimized in unsafe ways and yet asked to keep private the ugly secrets of others.
So, if/when someone
suggests that privately shaming your child is a necessary evil that will
bring good in the long term, don't believe that crap. It's a lie.
I'll post some positive ideas for how to handle those moments when our kids do things that make us feel embarrassed or ashamed as a parent, when our own shame/praise buttons are pushed. Maybe tomorrow.
