A couple of days ago, Andy shared with me a conversation he'd had with a friend of mine, a fellow unschooling Mom, tho not a radical unschooler. The conversation began with her advancing her belief that it's human nature to value what we earn more than we value what is given to us or falls into our laps. Her strongly held theory is that kids who are given 'everything' -- a too big allowance, their own car, expensive toys, etc -- won't value them as much as things they buy with money they earned; that making a child earn his money teaches them that we all have to work for what we want in life.
She and I had recently had a conversation -- okay a debate -- on the same topic. She was concerned that Andy talks in terms of how he'd spend lots of money if he won the lottery, for example. Her concern is that Andy (almost 14) doesn't appreciate that he will someday need to work for money to buy things, and that he needs to understand that and plan for a future. She shared her concerns, opening with "I know this is an unschooling thing, to let kids have whatever they want....." I told her that, in fact, Andy does know most people work for a living, and that he has plans for a job someday. But, really, isn't it much more fun to dream about what we'd do with several million dollars? Who among hasn't indulged in such a flight of fancy?
I didn't give the topic much more thought until Andy's comments to me and Gary a couple of days ago. In talking with him, I realized just how strongly I disagree with her notions, how injurious I think they can be to our children.
First, is it really true that everyone values things earned more than gifts? I know in my life, that's not true. Many times in my life, I have benefited from the generosity of others, and I am so grateful to be the recipient of such expressions of love. I've also been in the position of giving -- money, things, my time -- to others, simply because I wanted to make their life bigger and brighter, to help in a time of need, or just to say I love you.
I recognize that accepting a gift graciously -- and gratefully -- can be an equal expression of love back to the giver. When we are grateful, and aware of how loved we are, it's only natural to enjoy and take care of what we've received.
I told Andy I disagree with my friend. Gary chimed in agreeing with me, and we talked about our thoughts on experiences with gifts. We're very fortunate, in that Gary's parents have always been very generous with us. They've flown us to Hawaii for visits, helped us buy a used car a few years (a totally unexpected gift, at a wonderful time), provide college funds for Will to attend community college, even buying his books. Gary's Mom flew out to care for our family 9 years ago when I was on bed rest, while expecting Dan, spending two months over Christmas and New Year's away from her home and husband. In large part, they are able to be so generous because Gary is an only child. Really, tho, they are such generous people that if they had more children, they'd simply find a way to give even more. Happily for me, Gary is every bit as generous and thoughtful as his father. We've also watched our boys become very generous people.
I explained to Andy that it's a common belief in our culture that kids 'need to learn to earn what they want.' I went on to say that really, if we can give our children what they want, and choose to withhold something to 'teach them a lesson' the only sure thing we teach them is that we're not very generous people!
In my childhood, I often heard the same tired opinion -- that we value what we earn. I was also criticized for not being grateful enough, for not being as careful in taking care of gifts as my mother thought was appropriate. We weren't given an allowance, or even the opportunity to earn one. Chores were simply expected us as members of the family, and not rewarded in any way for completing them. Instead, she would give us money to go to the movies, etc, when we asked only if she felt we'd been 'good enough' to deserve it. What I learned from her method was to resent that I had to be 'good enough' to have my desires fulfilled. We all learned, to varying degrees, that we weren't 'good enough' to be entitled to money. It's a lesson I spent many years unlearning, sometimes very expensively.
Resentment is another lesson resulting from telling our kids they will only value what they earn. The reality is that, no matter how much money or how many things we have, we'll always see or know others who have more. Often, what others have appears to have come to them in ways that don't look like much work to us. It's easy to resent that others have more than we have, that their lives look easier and more bountiful. When I was young, and for some years into adulthood, I saw people whose lives looked more abundant than mine, people who had the things I lacked. Thanks to my mother and her practice of determining whether or not we'd been 'good enough' to share in her money, I took my own lack to mean I wasn't worthy of having my desires fulfilled, or even having my needs met. I don't want to repeat that lesson with my own children. They are so worthy -- we all are!
I don't give to my children conditionally, thinking I'll only continue giving if they take proper care of my gifts. I give to them as much as I can, simply because I love them, and I know what I'm giving will bring them joy -- and I want them to be joy-filled.
Another point, as I thought it on more deeply, both during our talk with Andy and later talking with Gary about it, is that parents who forward this opinion malpractice their children. We all know kids often do and become what we expect of them. It's the best argument for saying "walk!" instead of "don't run!" After all, if Mom felt a need to say "don't...." then she must believe the child was going to do what she just prohibited. By saying to children "we only care for what we earn" what we're really doing is giving them license to devalue gifts, both received and given. We're saying we expect them to be careless with the things we give them. We're telling them that the only way to receive any good in life is to earn it. Those aren't the lessons I hope to give my children.
I want my children to be both generous and grateful, to recognize and honor the inherent worth of everyone they know and love. To care for and enjoy what comes into their lives, whether they earned it or someone else gave it to them. To be cheerful givers and cheerful recipients. I want them to know that sometimes the best expression of love we can give someone is to let them help love, honor and celebrate us by accepting their gift.
