Recently, the idea of unconditional love has been put forth as an essential part of radical unschooling and parenting. I've been back and forth on the topic myself. While the idea of being loved for exactly who I am sounds very good and comforting, I'm not sure what that really means. We all want to be loved, and we want to be loved and valued for who we are. But what does that really mean?
In the past several months, I've seen five couples decide to separate or end their marriages. In my relatively small social circle, five is a big number. In the context of that, and thinking about my experience with divorce -- my own and my parents' divorces -- I've given a lot of thought to what people mean when they talk about unconditional love. Could unconditional love save/redeem those marriages? What part does it play in my own marriage?
My first thought is "what is unconditional love?"
Does unconditional love mean loving me even with graying hair, 50lbs overweight, sometimes grumpy and impatient and tired, being patient with me and kind to me when I'm sick? Does it mean appreciating my individual interests, strengths and passions, and loving me for who I uniquely am? I have to say that sounds pretty good!
Does it also mean loving -- and staying with -- a partner who is being dishonest, or unfaithful, or physically abusive, or who gambles away the paycheck? If not, what does unconditional love mean in those circumstances?
Today's thoughts on unconditional love started with this quotation posted to a friend's facebook statue:
"I Love You' has very little meaning if 'I Love Me' is not anchored and integrated first." Jim Self
I replied:
I could argue that one. I agree that loving myself is important, but I have found that it is possible to really love other people without fully loving yourself first. It's what saved my life 25 yrs ago when I loved my child so much more than I loved myself. And it wasn't the only time I learned that lesson, tho each time I come closer to really loving myself as much as I'm blessed to be loved by others.
More back and forth followed, and the idea of unconditional love was added to the mix. I could feel a blog post coming on as I posted a reply much too long for someone else's status update. That left me feeling like I would really enjoy exploring the whole idea, so I've expanded on my answer here.
I'm not really a proponent of unconditional love for adults, even myself. I feel that I love my children unconditionally, but even then I wonder if it's more a conviction within me that my children simply aren't capable of doing anything that would result in me not loving them. What I mean by that is, there are definitely actions that could cause me to stop loving a person, I just believe my children are emotionally healthy enough to choose not to do those things.
And if they did those things, I'd have to wonder where I failed them as a Mom.
I find the idea of unconditional love is a very intriguing concept to explore, and I keep coming back to it. Gary and I have talked a lot about it. We agree that neither of us would want the other to love us unconditionally, as we define 'unconditional'. While we do want to be loved for who we innately are -- our passions and quirks and as we age -- we each also expect the other to call us on it when we're not being the person we'd like to be. I don't want to have to feel like I have to be perfect all the time, or like I can't be myself, but neither do I want to be allowed to regress to the point of unkindness or selfishness.
When I'm being impatient with the kids or just in a foul mood for some reason, I'm uncomfortable when Gary sometimes comes to my defense. Yes, I can see it means he loves me, but I expect him to call me to be a better person. When he doesn't do that, I'm horrified to see him defending me when I feel that what I've done is indefensible. That I've put him in the position of defending a temper tantrum on my part? Ick! That's not helpful and I do self-correct, because I want to be a kinder, more patient person. I Yes, I can make excuses for my behavior, but even better if he can point it out to me and stop me before I fall short.
As I continued to think about this, more specific thoughts followed.
What would this unconditional love I hear folks extolling really look like in day-to-day life? Would it mean staying with a partner who abused you, or slept around, or gambled away all the family's income? Really? Those are healthy things for our kids to learn, healthy examples for them to emulate?
If unconditional love means standing by a partner who mistreats you, then how does that demonstrate any bit of the self-love cited as a requirement for loving another person? If I love myself, aren't I worthy of being treated kindly? If I'm kind to my partner, why let him be unkind to me? Is it somehow wrong for me to say "I am valuable and deserve better treatment from you, and if you continue to mistreat me, I'm going to leave you?" Is it wrong for someone to say, "you've treated me badly, and honestly, I just don't love you anymore"?
More importantly to me, is this a standard of behavior I want to model for my children? Do I really want my son to believe it's okay for his wife to have multiple affairs while married to him? Would I want my daughter (if I had one) to continue loving a man who hit her, or her children? After all, wouldn't leaving be conditional love?
And do I really want to be loved unconditionally? I don't really think I'd be well-served by believing that I could treat Gary badly and expect that he'd still love me unconditionally.
The reality for me is that love is conditional. I fell in love with Gary because he was a good man, who was/is nice to me, and he's intelligent and funny and generous and patient. If he were brutish and stingy and impatient and abusive, I'd not have fallen in love with him.
I had a husband before Gary, who was immature and impatient and abusive and petty. I loved him, at a time when I definitely did not love myself. And I stayed until the day I saw him hit our 5 month old baby. I can honestly say that in that moment I stopped loving him. I lost the ability to ever trust him again. I certainly couldn't stay and face a future of explaining to my (abused) child that we stayed because I love people unconditionally.
I welcome comments on this topic and I'd like to see what answers others have found to my questions. I'd really like to explore this topic more, to better understand what my friends mean when they talk about unconditional love. So fire away if you disagree with me.