Yesterday, again over at Facebook, I responded to a status update about not having any expectations who our children will "turn out" to be. I said that I don't think expectations are necessarily all bad, that I do have expectations for my kids.
In the course of that conversation, I looked up the word expectation and found that it doesn't fully capture what I meant to say. I think it's become another catchword that people use when they really mean something else -- something like rules or requirements or enforcements, because "expectations" sounds nicer and makes us feel like we're being respectful.
The original poster said she's ready for "some new radical unschooling catch words...with their true meanings applied." My response to was that I'm so over catchwords, because they quickly get re-defined for individual purposes. It occurs to me that a more honest word for me that maybe "standards" is a better word than expectations in this instance. There are standards I choose to ask my children to meet. I don't feel it's wrong for me to hold my children to my standards for behavior and they way I'd like to see them treat each other. I also choose to point out to them behaviors I consider important in how they treat their friends. I regularly share with them my own observations about how I see the children we know treat each other, and I tell them I feel it's important for them to speak out when they see any person mistreat another. Standing by quietly makes us complicit, and sometimes that complicity costs us friendships.
I will be honest about this. Sometimes I am coercive, and we do have standards for behavior in our home, which sometimes are enforced by the adults who can see a much bigger picture than the kids see in this moment. And I'm okay with that.
I've heard a lot of talk about authenticity lately (another of those catchwords come back to bite us in the ass). I've seen parents stand by quietly, giving no input, while children are unkind to other people (kids and adults), while they damage or destroy property. Often, these parents defend their own non-involvement as respecting their child's authenticity, or as letting them learn from life.
Is it more valuable for me as a parent to respect what may be my child's authentic desire in each moment, with no regard for the long-term effects, or to intervene in the hopes of averting damaging long-term effects? Has authentic become just another mutating catchword in the semantics game?
Sometimes our kids do things that Gary & I sincerely believe aren't in their best interest, things that aren't going to help them in their path to becoming the people they want to be. Is quietly standing by when a child threaten to breaks a game/toy that is important to him (or expensive to replace) because, in this moment, he authentically feels angry really a loving choice for me to make? I don't think so. I'm going to point out to him that if he breaks that now, he'll likely miss it later when he's not angry. I may even take the item away from him to prevent him from doing something I know he will regret.
What if he authentically feels he'd like to punch his brother? What if he feels really justified, and if even I can see his brother "has it coming"? Is it okay for me to let the angry, perhaps wronged child, do whatever he *authentically* feels like doing? No, I can't do that, because everyone who lives in our home has a right to safety. Equally important, I know my child doesn't really want to be the one who hurts other people. At his core, he's kind and loving, but just doesn't always have the tools to take the high road. He needs someone to remind him of who he is, of who he wants to be.
That's not true just for children either. Sometimes, I react badly to something someone's done that hurts or angers me, and I'm grateful for the times Gary, a friend, or even my own children, remind me of what I hold dear, and the qualities I really want to express; of who I really want to be -- and who I don't want to be, because those lessons can take 47 years (or maybe even 77 years) to remember in the tough moments.
Sometimes, too, our children do things that cost a much higher price than they can comprehend at their ages. Things said to another child, a friend, that are deeply hurtful and simply can't be unsaid, no matter how many times one apologizes. Friendships can be lost completely in those moments. Unhealthy patterns of behavior can be learned on both sides. If no one points out the damage done, unkind, hurtful or unsafe, may be the way others come to see a person. It can be hard to undo that damage, both to other and to ones' self-image. Children seldom understand the real damage words can do. For that matter, many adults seem ignorant of the damage words do, the damage intolerance and unkindness does to a person's heart and mind.
If I can help my children avoid hurting other people, and by extension, themselves, it would be unloving for me to stand by and "let them figure it out on their own". For me to neglect to share my perspective and experience with my children and call it respectful parenting just isn't something I can lovingly do.
